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FIC: "Remains" (Harry Potter; S/R) [Dec. 5th, 2004|08:16 am]
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A new bit of Sirius/Remus fic, set just after the end of Chapter 5 in Order of the Phoenix.

In other fic news, I've also finished a 6x2 in the Moments series, and will have that up soon.



REMAINS (S/R; rated PG-13 for implied sexual situations)
by RazorQueen

The kitchen had cleared except for Sirius--and for Remus, who had, of course, stayed behind with him. The pipe smoke had thinned, and the remnants of dinner cleared away, but Sirius made no sign that he was ready to let go of his anger.

As he'd done so often since they'd come to Number 12, Grimmauld Place, Remus sighed quietly. He hated this house, not just for the doxies and the boggarts, nor the smell of dust and grime, nor even for the echoes of Dark Magic that lingered on everything, but for what Sirius became when they were here.

He was pacing just now, full of restless energy and nothing to do with it but storm and lash out at the very people who were supposed to be his friends.

"Sirius, sit down," Remus said, his voice quiet and imploring, so very different from just a little while ago, when those same words had come out sounding rather like an order. "You're going to wear out the floor."

"Not bloody likely."

"Your shoes, then." It was a feeble joke, and he knew it, but he tried smiling and was rewarded by a very faint lightening of Sirius' scowl. "Please?"

Sirius grimaced and flopped back into a chair, not gracelessly, because Sirius could never be graceless, but carelessly, as if it didn't matter to him whether he sat or stood or fell on his arse on the stone floor.

"There." Sirius propped his elbow on the table and leaned his chin on the heel of his hand, drumming the fingers of his other hand on the scarred, stained wood. "Got your wish."

"Yes, I did." Remus looked down at the table and smiled more broadly, a very real smile this time. "I'm with you."

"Remus--" Sirius rolled his eyes, but his mouth softened into a reluctant grin. "That's bloody unfair of you."

"What is?"

"I had a well-deserved bad humor going there. And now you've gone and cheered me right out of it."

"Sorry."

Sirius snorted. "Liar."

Remus reached across the table and laid his hand over Sirius'. Would he ever get used to the wonder of it, that after so long, he could actually reach across the table and touch Sirius? Or look across a room and see him, roll over in bed and wriggle into his arms? After more than a year, he still found it hard to believe, but that didn't stop him from reveling in it, regardless of Sirius' mood.

A mood that had only momentarily improved, it seemed. Sirius' grin faded, leaving his face cold and weary, and Remus knew he was thinking of the earlier argument over telling Harry about Voldemort's movements. "Molly means well, you know. She really does."

Sirius twined Remus' fingers in his own, but he stared into the fire, his eyes taking on the distant, unreachable look that Remus had grown to dread. "I know. She loves Harry, and that counts for a lot. It does." He sighed and ran his free hand through his long hair. "But she doesn't love me, and that's a fact."

"You've not exactly shown her your best side."

"It's the only side I've got left. I keep telling you, this is all there is. These are my remains you're looking at."

Remus squeezed Sirius' hand. "I know differently."

Sirius turned his face back from the fire, and Remus felt as though he'd returned from someplace far away. "When are you going to stop believing in me?"

"Some time after I stop breathing, I imagine."

"You're a fool, Remus." Sirius lifted Remus' hand and kissed his fingers, then held it against his cheek. "But I'm glad of it."

"I love you."

"I know you do. And I…I…" Sirius' mouth twisted as though he were in pain. He clutched Remus' hand so tightly it hurt, but Remus didn't try to pull away.

"Sirius, don't. I don't need the words to know it."

Sirius' face screwed up and he looked like he might cry, except that his eyes remained dry. Azkaban had taken all of his tears a long time ago. "I don't deserve you."

"I thought we'd agreed years ago that we deserve each other." Those days, those boys, had vanished, but Remus refused to believe they were gone altogether. Something remained of them, in him and in Sirius. He found glimmers of them now and then, mostly in small moments, in unguarded looks and touches, and for now, it was enough. The rest would come. He knew it. "So leave it be. At least for tonight."

Sirius still held Remus' hand against his face, and Remus uncurled his fingers to stroke his cheek. Sirius closed his eyes and nuzzled into the touch like a stray dog grateful for a stranger's kindness. Remus' eyes burned, and he found himself wishing that the empty years had claimed all of his tears, as well. He swallowed hard, trying to get around the knot in his throat. Sirius opened his eyes. He'd always been able to sense when Remus was in pain, and that had not changed, no matter what else had.

Sirius watched him, grey eyes full of guilt. "I'm sorry."

"Hush." Remus caught a lock of Sirius' hair and smoothed it through his fingers. "Let's go to bed. I'm cold."

Sirius nodded. He freed himself, then kissed Remus' fingers again before letting them go. They both stood, and Sirius waited for Remus to come around the table and join him. Remus did not expect Sirius to take his hand; they'd both agreed that discretion was absolutely necessary for the present. So when Sirius caught him and drew him into an embrace, when he pressed a fierce, desperate kiss against Remus' mouth, Remus was too surprised for a second or two to respond.

When Remus didn't answer his kiss, Sirius let him go. He ran his hand through his hair again, raking it back from his face. "Sorry, I know I shouldn't have. It's just that--"

Remus stopped him with a kiss as hard and needy as the one Sirius had given him. And then without warning, they were kissing hungrily, pawing at each other in a frenzy, on fire with the need that betrayal, separation, and grief had not quenched. Sirius pushed him, and he took a step backwards, and then another, until the table cut against the back of his thighs. Gasping, Remus pulled away just enough to be able to speak, though it was difficult with Sirius' hands on him like that.

"Sirius, wait. We've got to go upstairs. Molly…the children--"

Sirius took a deep, shuddering breath. He nodded. "Yes. Yes, of course."

Sirius stepped back, and Remus straightened, a little ashamed of how close he'd been to giving in and letting Sirius have him right here on the table. Again.

"You go on. I'll just put these cups away for Molly, and then I'll be there." He smiled and smoothed down Sirius' shirt for him. "It wouldn't do for us to go up together."

Sirius smiled, too, a little of the haunted look leaving his eyes. "I'll be waiting."

"I know that, too."

Sirius left the kitchen, and as Remus washed their cups and put them in the cupboard, he listened for that step he'd know anywhere. There it was, quick and light in the hallway, then bounding up the stairs. It was a habit he'd had for a long time, listening like that, only now when he heard Sirius' footsteps, he didn't question his sanity.

He deliberately puttered around the kitchen for a minute or two, straightening and scourgifying. Years ago, he'd done this in their flat, keeping Sirius waiting until he bellowed for Remus to get into bed now. He expected none of that of that presently, no impatience or laughter as they teased each other, but that was all right. Sirius was waiting for him, and nothing else really mattered.

The kitchen was tidy enough to pass Molly's muster, so Remus snuffed out the lights with a flick of his wand and started for the stairs himself. He'd reached the first landing when the door of Sirius' room, one more floor above him, creaked open, and a rough whisper grated in the silence.

"What the devil are you doing down there?"

Remus looked up into the darkness, but he couldn't see Sirius' face. "Nothing. I'm coming."

"Not without me, you'd better not be."

Remus quickened his step. "Wouldn't dream of it."

"Should hope not. Now get up here before I get tired of waiting for you."

The door quietly clicked shut, and Remus raced up the last few steps, grinning foolishly and feeling as though he'd been given an unexpected but much-wanted gift. He reached the room at the top of the stairs and laid his hand on the doorknob. Even though his desire equaled Sirius', he paused, thinking. No matter what time and circumstance had taken from them, it had left them with this much, and Remus had to believe that it was enough to rebuild everything they'd once had. It would take time, perhaps, but they could do it. How could they not, when love and hope remained, beaten and scarred perhaps, but not broken?

"Remus!" From inside the room, Sirius' voice snapped with annoyance and eagerness.

"I'm here." He opened the door and went in.

Sirius sprawled naked on the bed, watching him with undisguised hunger. "About time."

Remus undressed, and when he approached the bed, Sirius grabbed his wrists and pulled him close. Laughing, Remus let himself be pulled down and folded into Sirius' arms.

"What are you grinning at?"

"Nothing." Remus tipped his head back, accepting the kisses Sirius rained on his throat. "I was just thinking."

Sirius moved his mouth lower, then lifted his head. "I'd rather you not think too much just now, if you don't mind."

"I was thinking that maybe we'll be all right after all."

"Oh." Sirius nipped at a sensitive bit of flesh, and Remus yipped in spite of himself. "In that case, think away."

"I shall."

And he did, until Sirius' body drove away any worry about what the future held for them, leaving only the night and pleasure and all the bright possibilities of tomorrow in its place.


~~THE END~~
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: colorfulshadows
2004-12-05 07:24 am (UTC)

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It's just beautiful.

"Yes, I did." Remus looked down at the table and smiled more broadly, a very real smile this time. "I'm with you."

Did I mention before that I love this? Because I do ^_^ ::::hugs:::: It's lovely, great job.
[User Picture]From: razorqueen_gw
2004-12-06 06:32 am (UTC)

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::::hugs back:::: Thank you. :-)
[User Picture]From: voldything
2004-12-05 07:44 am (UTC)

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Oh. I think I might cry.

Beautiful.
[User Picture]From: razorqueen_gw
2004-12-06 06:34 am (UTC)

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Thank you very much. :-)
[User Picture]From: anawreckslife
2004-12-05 08:39 am (UTC)

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That was amazing, and I loved,
a little ashamed of how close he'd been to giving in and letting Sirius have him right here on the table. Again.
*Smirk*
[User Picture]From: razorqueen_gw
2004-12-06 05:26 pm (UTC)

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Thank you. (Apparently, they've been rather busy puppies at Grimmauld Place. ~_^ )
[User Picture]From: anawreckslife
2004-12-07 05:43 pm (UTC)

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But of course! ^__^ 12 years in Azkaban makes for a very lonely Sirius.
From: teaspoon
2004-12-08 02:17 pm (UTC)

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I was going to quote that, because hee! Frisky puppies. :)

Also, this was lovely. :)
[User Picture]From: _selket_
2004-12-05 09:05 am (UTC)

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That was so good T_T loved it muchly. "What the devil are you doing down there?" heehee. That made me giggle. Thanks so much for sharing this <3 it's really great. ; ; it makes me sad though-- because it's so hopeful and then and then... *snifflecry* stupid fifth book (*repeats to self* It never happened. Fifth book doesn't exist. Fifth book? What fifth book?)
[User Picture]From: razorqueen_gw
2004-12-06 05:28 pm (UTC)

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Thank you. :-) Sirius and Remus ARE sad. They really get so little time. (And I'm quite in denial about the end of the fifth book--and already have my own Happy Ending worked out if JKR lets us down.)
From: gabycat
2004-12-05 09:43 am (UTC)

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It left me with a bittersweet feeling, because I love their bonding, and how much they need each other to keep going...but I still remember what is lying in the future, and I can't but feel sad that this is just one little bite of happiness that will go sour too soon. Too beautiful, and moving-
[User Picture]From: razorqueen_gw
2004-12-06 08:34 am (UTC)

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*hug* Thank you. Remus and Sirius are hard to write for (for me, that is) for that very reason. Sometimes canon sucks. ~_^
From: ponderosa121
2004-12-05 01:03 pm (UTC)

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<3 iluvu.
[User Picture]From: razorqueen_gw
2004-12-06 08:34 am (UTC)

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Thank you. :-) (And as you can see from my icon, it's mutual. *G*)
[User Picture]From: kodalai
2004-12-05 05:02 pm (UTC)

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I will now deviate from the norm by admitting this story made me laugh, just for the image of Sirius and Remus shagging like bunnies in the room over Harry's head.

Harry: *thinking* This haunted house makes some weird sounds.
[User Picture]From: razorqueen_gw
2004-12-06 06:32 am (UTC)

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I'm pretty sure that Sirius and Remus learned some Silencing charms while they were still at Hogwarts. ~_^
[User Picture]From: ashkitty
2004-12-05 07:45 pm (UTC)

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I saw this recced somewhere, and perked up, and squealed, 'RazorQueen is writing Sirius/Remus now!' and my flatmate said 'What? Who?' because she was never in GW fandom. So thank you, my dear, you've utterly made my day, because this was absolutely gorgeous and touching and beautiful. :)
[User Picture]From: razorqueen_gw
2004-12-06 05:35 pm (UTC)

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Thank you. :-) (And your comment was certainly one of the nicest things anyone said to /me/ today!) I've written a couple of short Sirius/Remus things (but there will be more) and some Snape/Lupin, if you care for that pairing at all.
[User Picture]From: ashkitty
2004-12-06 10:46 pm (UTC)

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Aww! :) I'm actually quite squicked by the idea of Snape naked, let alone having sex, but I will watch avidly for more puppy fics. :)
[User Picture]From: razorqueen_gw
2004-12-08 06:06 pm (UTC)

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Oddly, my HP fics have turned out to be much less graphic than my GW stuff. I'm not sure why this is. (And Snape/Lupin wasn't a pairing that I thought I'd be writing, but there it was. You just can't argue with muses sometimes...) But I"m not trying to convince you to read something that squicks you, really. ~_^
[User Picture]From: mushroom18
2004-12-06 07:56 am (UTC)

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Azkaban had taken all of his tears a long time ago.

That is just so sad... T____T I'm glad Harry and co. didn't barge in, I'm sick of those kind of fics already. >.<

Lots of love. XD
[User Picture]From: razorqueen_gw
2004-12-06 05:36 pm (UTC)

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No worries. Sirius and Remus deserve their alone time. :-)
[User Picture]From: dysis
2004-12-07 10:42 am (UTC)

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Remus raced up the last few steps, grinning foolishly and feeling as though he'd been given an unexpected but much-wanted gift.

*silly grin* Aww! That's just so sweet - I'm so happy for them. This is beautifully poignant and well-written as always, RQ. I especially like this part - No matter what time and circumstance had taken from them, it had left them with this much, and Remus had to believe that it was enough to rebuild everything they'd once had. It would take time, perhaps, but they could do it. How could they not, when love and hope remained, beaten and scarred perhaps, but not broken? *sighs happily* It's just incredible.

And ... *throws arms around you* Missed you!
[User Picture]From: razorqueen_gw
2004-12-08 05:57 pm (UTC)

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Thank you muchly. :-) Miss you, too--I've mostly not been reading lj or even really been online much. I did tell you the card was gorgeous, didn't I? And just really nice of you. *HUG* Thanks.
[User Picture]From: jazzypom
2004-12-08 02:04 pm (UTC)

Go on...take another little piece of my heart

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now baby... this story kills because there is so much hope there, and it's all futile in the end *shakes fist angrily* damn you JKR!!!

Really? There are some nice moments in this fic, beginning with this one;

"Remus--" Sirius rolled his eyes, but his mouth softened into a reluctant grin. "That's bloody unfair of you."

"What is?"

"I had a well-deserved bad humor going there. And now you've gone and cheered me right out of it."

"Sorry."

Sirius snorted. "Liar."


and the rest just continues. I do like the fact that it's the emotion that comes through first, and the touching and kissing is just secondary.

My criticsms for this fic are negligible. The mood is such that I want to enjoy the Lupin/Black togetherness for the while...


[User Picture]From: razorqueen_gw
2004-12-08 06:00 pm (UTC)

Re: Go on...take another little piece of my heart

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I already have an alternate ending in my head. I so want them to live happily ever after, and I'm afraid she won't do that. *sigh*

Thank you for the lovely compliments and for stopping by to read. :-)
[User Picture]From: darklybright
2005-02-17 12:37 am (UTC)

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Lovely

Sirius stepped back, and Remus straightened, a little ashamed of how close he'd been to giving in and letting Sirius have him right here on the table. Again.
God, what an image [fans self]

"I know you do. And I ... I ..." Sirius' mouth twisted as though he were in pain. He clutched Remus' hand so tightly it hurt, but Remus didn't try to pull away.
Beautifully evocative and also heartbreaking - because we know how it all ends.

Beautiful, doomed pairing. Thank you.
[User Picture]From: razorqueen_gw
2005-04-06 09:07 pm (UTC)

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I'm sorry I missed your comment! Thank you so much. It's much appreciated.
From: xrated13
2005-08-29 12:01 pm (UTC)

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So beautiful! *starts crying*
:) great work!